"I don't pole dance for nothing!"
Being that it's late Wednesday evening, what better way to pass the time than to watch a B-movie? For those not in the know, a B-movie stands for low budget, or bad. But so bad it's good. And we're talking painfully bad/good sometimes. I love these films because they're absurd, there's nudity, awful acting, and many times, horrible special effects. I decided to write a running diary of what happens throughout, and if it goes well, it might just start being a regular column. This should probably be obvious after you read 'running diary,' but there are massive spoilers ahead, as in, I'm doing a basic play-by-play of the film.
Piranha 3D (2010)
0:01: Matt Hooper is combining two of life's greatest things: drinking beer and boating.
0:03: A beer bottle falls and hits the bottom of a lake, which appears to be the cause of a massive earthquake. A fissure emerges, releasing an enormous school of angry fish.
0:04: Hooper bites the dust...and here's the first evidence of Piranha's B-movieishness. Hooper gets eaten alive while spinning in a cartoonish manner while the title appears onscreen. I already love this film.
0:04: Oh! A half-eaten hand...waving? Death Count: 1.
0:05: Some guy tells us that we're in store for boobs, boats, and bikinis, cementing the claim (my claim) that the letter B is the greatest.
0:05: Laughing, wrestling, grinding montage.
0:06: Elisabeth Shue sighting! She's playing a sexy cop. She arrests some punk kid when he hits on her and says she looks good in tan. "It's beige," she retorts. You tell him Elisabeth Shue. Then we see three male butts. (Another B-word.)
0:09: And Jerry O'Connell rises from the dead. He appears to be a film producer of some kind, capturing Danni (the always incredible Kelly Brook) behind the lens while barking to a minion to skip the sunscreen, and focus on bodypaint for a bleached-blonde booty (further evidence). I think we've found our main character, Jake. He is young and shy, kinda dorky. Danni is ALL ABOUT HIM, which makes perfect sense in the B-movie world.
0:11: First nudity took eleven-minutes. (You're better than that PIRANHA 3D.) And, it's on a computer screen. First twist of the film! Shue is Jake's mom. She walks in on him while he's looking at a Girls Gone Wild rip-off. Boob Count: 1 (I had trouble deciding on a colour for Boob Count. Ultimately I went with flesh, which admittedly yes, is a little creepy.)
0:12: Yeesh...CHILDREN OF THE CORN alert.
0:17: Nondescript guy flips from a cliff and is immediately picked apart. Death Count: 2.
0:19: Two women start shaking their things on a boat. They're topless, but wearing star-shaped pasties. Just missed entry onto Boob Count.
0:20: So, taking a moment to catch up on plot details, Jake has been hired by O'Connell to be his tour guide. He walks down to the pier to see Danni and a blonde dancing slinkily on a yacht. A gathered crowd starts chanting, "Motorboat! Motorboat!" which Danni and blonde happily oblige. Was 'motorboating' even a real thing before Vince Vaughn coined it in WEDDING CRASHERS? A little help here.
0:23: Uh oh, demonic siblings start paddling in a canoe. Without lifejackets. Scary and foolish.
0:26: They wouldn't kill Kelly Brook, would they? She and her friend just got naked and started frolicking (love that word) in the water. Boob Count: 2 and 3. One's wearing flippers and doing dolphin kick. PIRANHAN is entertaining and functional.
0:30: Sheeeeeeeeeit, piranha alert. And those little blonde fuckers let their canoe float away!
0:31: The female one cut her foot on a broken bottle, allowing us our first glimpse of piranha vision.
0:32: Corresponding story has Adam Scott and other scientists investigating the recent quake and the resulting crack in the lake floor. The two not named Adam Scott scuba dive into the breakage where it's super dark. Millions of piranha eggs. It's about to get meaty under here. Death Count: 3. Get outta there lady! Nope, too late. Death Count: 4. Adam Scott survives, though. Adam Scott's time will come.
0:40: Danni and Crystal (her blonde friend) have put their suits back on, but we are saved because it's body shot time! Forgot to mention that Julia (Jessica Szohr) is onboard with Jake, Jerry and the models. She's Jake's would-be girlfriend. She's also on television's 'Gossip Girl', so no chance of nudity. She did just rip a shot, and made out with Crystal, though.
0:41: Right before Jake's about to score with Julia, she spews overboard. Barf Count: 1.
0:42: Christopher Lloyd is in this. He's the marine biologist/pet store owner. Shue and Scott show Lloyd a piranha specimen, and he confidently states that it's one of a prehistoric breed, long believed to be extinct. He also says they're super-aggressive and proves this by sticking his fingers in the tank. More pet store owner than biologist, I'd say.
0:45: Muffled screams in the distance! Ahh, just parasailing. Tricky, tricky, Piranha 3D. Hold on...topless parasailing! Boob Count: 4. This chick is about to be food. Whoa, that was cool.
0:49: Director Eli Roth (HOSTEL 1 & 2) shows up as a Wet T-Shirt judge. He then calls a pair of breasts "Danny Devitos." Actually, pretty clever. Boob Count: 5. Ving Rhames is a cop and he just fired his weapon into the air because people are partying too much of man-eating fish in the lake. No one listens and people start jumping back in. Future bloodbath, upcoming.
0:55: And here. It. Comes. Who's going to be first? Hairless black guy? Nope. Pink bikini clad girl climbing onto a raft? Nope. Red-headed girl in the inner tube? Winner! They eat her ass. Death Count: 5. The piranha are in a frenzy, now. This is going to get a little complicated. It's now a mass of blood and splashing. At least six more confirmed corpses, Death Count: 6--11, with probably dozens more offscreen. Many patrons climb to safety, but they forgot the cardinal rule when escaping from man-eating fish: never, ever accumulate too much body weight on a floating sound stage. Back into the drink they go! (Confirmed) Death Count: 12.
0:57: Now, THIS is special, folks! A wire snaps from the stage and whips around, slicing not only a beautiful woman in half, but also removing her bathing suit! Boob Count: 6, and, (Confirmed) Death Count: 13. I just watched that scene three more times. I am giddy.
0:58: Adam Scott, feeling heroic, hops aboard a jetski (with a shotgun. As you do), and starts picking up flailing women. (Confirmed) Death Count: 14 and 15. Adam Scott then starts picking off piranha with shotgun rounds whilst driving the jetski with no hands. He saves at least one dude. Lame.
0:59: Non-stop action right now. Eli Roth swims towards a boat, tries to climb aboard, calls a woman a whore, then his face gets crushed by another boat. (Confirmed) Death Count: 16.
1:01: Rational white guy jumps into a prop boat and bears down on helpless, half-eaten folk. (Confirmed) Death Count: 17--21. Well done, sir. His plan only fails because some inconsiderate blonde girl decided to get her hair caught in the propeller! Naturally, he seeks to fire it up again. This could go a number of ways. 1) He succeeds in igniting the engine, thereby ripping the girl's hair and scalp from her head, ultimately fleeing to the safety of the shore. Result: blonde girl dead. 2) While the boat is powerless, a mob of swimmers clamber up the boat, capsizing it. Result: many dead, including blonde girl. Or, 3) Blonde girl unravels her tightly wound hair, climbs aboard, beats the shit out of the guy and throws him overboard. Result: white guy dead. I'm going to go with 1, since it's the most horrific.
It's a combination of 1 & 2. Genius. (Confirmed) Death Count: 22 and 23.
1:02: Back to Jake and company for a moment. O'Connell is losing his mind because his boat is caught in the thickest seaweed known to man. He eventually bursts free, only to ram straight into some shallow rocks, flooding the boat and knocking Julia unconscious, and himself, Crystal, and his minion overboard. See ya later, Crystal! You will be missed, if only for your body shot technique and your Danny Devitos. (Confirmed) Death Count: 24. As a parting gift, a piranha chews through the back of Crystal's head and out her mouth.
1:03: Jerry O'Connell has no skin left on his lower half. "They took my penis!" he screams. "A fate worse than death," nods every man on Earth. (Confirmed) Death Count: 25.
1:05: A quick lull in the action, while we're shown what looks to be Crystal's depleted body and O'Connell's huge, sinking dick. "Thanks producers!" says a fictionally posthumous O'Connell. Proving that piranhas love men as much as women, two fight over the lost member before one swallows it whole. Then it regurgitates it. Could have gone without that last bit.
1:06: Back to the beach, and the aftermath of the slaughter. Sheriff Rhames and others pull the survivors from the water by any means necessary. One girl gets accidentally pulled apart by two good Samaritans. (Confirmed) Death Count: 26. Guy with half a body, (Confirmed) Death Count: 27.
Sheriff Rhames starts a boat rotor, Herculeanly rips it from its hinges and starts chopping up the sharp-toothed creatures, while the humans can hobble and crawl to safety. Ving Rhames goes down with the proverbial ship. (Confirmed) Death Count: 28.
Quick pan to the carnage. Tons of dead bodies floating around, plus some wounded. Elisabeth Shue is still alive though. She fields a call from Jake as that nifty Jaws camera stunt occurs.
1:09: Blah, blah, blah, talking. Elisabeth Shue ties a rope between two boats and they traverse from one to the other. Not sure why they all go at once due to the combined body weight of four humans (one with enormous breasts), but not surprisingly (but no less sad), Kelly Brook bites the dust, (Confirmed) Death Count: 29, while those awful kids remain alive.
1:16: Right before Jake throws Jerry O'Connell's half-body in the water as a diversion, O'Connell grabs Jake's arm! Not dead!
Now dead. (Confirmed) Death Count: 25 (Take Two).
His plan seemingly working, Jake takes his sweet-ass time to question his decision before swimming through the bottom of the boat, finding Julia, and giving her a prolonged hug. Then he starts gathering supplies. Julia questions his time management skills, but Jake says he threw O'Connell's body in the water which will buy him at least a couple of minutes. He of course being an expert in the mindset and instincts of a prehistoric carnivorous fish.
1:17: Both he and Julia could have swum in and out of the boat multiple times, but Jake instead gives her a flare and then opens two propane tanks.
"I need you to hold your breath, and we're going to swim out the bottom of the boat. I need you to hold on tight. Can you hold on tight to me?"
Cue the passionate and extraordinarily inappropriately timed kiss.
Then all the piranha die from the waterlogged propane blast radius. (I think?) There's still six-minutes left, which ones someone still has to eat it, or be eaten, as it were. Thank you Adam Scott, for stepping up! (Confirmed) Death Count: 30.